laughter is the best medicine =)

[difenbaker]

A boy scout, Bill Gates, George Bush and the Pope were on a flight when the pilot announced that the plane was going to crash and that there was only four parachutes and that he was taking one. He then jumped.

Bill Gates said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, people need me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

George Bush said, "I'm the President of the United States, my country is depending on me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

The Pope looked at the boy scout and said, "Son, I've lived a long time, I know that I will be with God, you take the last parachute."

The boy scout replied, "We can both jump, Bill Gates took my knapsack."


*****

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.

This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish.

"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

*****

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

*****

A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."

:D :D :D



cheers!

[Box215]

the last one was good

[commedecargons]

funny, the first rabbit and bear joke. The version i heard was alot funnier cos the last statement the rabbit said before he went off is :"Make this bear a female too"

Then the second joke is actually 3 parachutes and 4 person. And if the one who took the knapsack was George Bush will be funnier, and dats the version i've heard. :)

************************************************** **************
Here's one with the Rabbit and Bear. But this rabbit is a rather nicer one, very innocent and friendly female sweet rabbit. :)

Big Black Bear was strolling along the forest with cute little white rabbit, then halfway thru, BBbear felt a stroke in his stomach and he told sweet white rabbit dat he wanna go find some place and do the 'big' thing; surprisingly, rabbit turned shy and embarressed and told bear she wanted to do the same thing too. So went giggling along and found a suitable place for their big toilet job. All were quiet when suddenly BBbear asked sweet rabbit, :"Hey, ur white and floffy fur..... don't u worry u might dirty it? " rabbit replied :" well, i used to, but now i'm used to it, nevermind." Without hesitation, BBbear stood up, with one grab, he used little rabbit to wipe his big black *******... :D

[Jose_R.A.M]

funny, the first rabbit and bear joke. The version i heard was alot funnier cos the last statement the rabbit said before he went off is :"Make this bear a female too"

Then the second joke is actually 3 parachutes and 4 person. And if the one who took the knapsack was George Bush will be funnier, and dats the version i've heard. :)

************************************************** **************
Here's one with the Rabbit and Bear. But this rabbit is a rather nicer one, very innocent and friendly female sweet rabbit. :)

Big Black Bear was strolling along the forest with cute little white rabbit, then halfway thru, BBbear felt a stroke in his stomach and he told sweet white rabbit dat he wanna go find some place and do the 'big' thing; surprisingly, rabbit turned shy and embarressed and told bear she wanted to do the same thing too. So went giggling along and found a suitable place for their big toilet job. All were quiet when suddenly BBbear asked sweet rabbit, :"Hey, ur white and floffy fur..... don't u worry u might dirty it? " rabbit replied :" well, i used to, but now i'm used to it, nevermind." Without hesitation, BBbear stood up, with one grab, he used little rabbit to wipe his big black *******... :D

lolol.funny dif, good good - aint seen much jokes here on mb forums...nicely pg...

.yeah it would make sense if it was bush..maybe dif hates mikesoft.

id tell a joke but its way too good and ull prob fall on the floor and have a heart attack its so funny.

[Toocool]

nice jokes dif... the last one was very good... :D

[difenbaker]

thanks, I just wanted to cheer up the forum... :D

[difenbaker]

A man is giving his girlfriend a lift home on his motorbike when he decides to take a short cut. He turns around to his girlfriend and asks, "Have you ever come this way before?"

"No," she replies. "It must be the cobbles."

*****

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the beach or should I pack for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

*****

A man tried to sell a dog to his neighbor.
"This dog can talk, he said, "and he could be yours for only five dollars!"
The neighbor said: "What do I look like? An idiot? There ain?t no such thing as a talking dog."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes and pleaded: "Please buy me, Sir! This man is cruel. He never gives me enough to eat, he never takes me for a walk, and he never bathes me! Before he kidnapped me, I used to be a famous trick dog in Europe. I performed on TV and before the Royal Family of England."

"Wow!," said the neighbor, "That mutt really can talk! Why would you want to sell him for five lousy bucks?"
"Because I?m getting tired of all his lies."

*****

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

LOL :D :D :D

[difenbaker]

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

*****

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

LOL :D

[commedecargons]

One hot summer evening, as Mike was half way thru Mobile Burning in mobileburn's forums, he felt it heat unbearable and decided to walk past the streets to the petrol station opposite his house and get himself an ice cream, not long after, he noticed some freakin guy jumping on top of those heavy sewage hole covers; "Twenty One, Twenty One, Twenty One ......." that freaky keeps on....... didn't pay much attention to that guy, Mike went on, shop around, got himself his favourite ice cream, a couple of beers and cigs; he walked back, then. There was the guy again, still on the same spot, still jumping on top of the sewage cover. Feeling very interested and puzzled, Mike went up and asked that guy, "Hey you there, wat was that all about? " The guy answered, "Oh my, it's fun" Mike getting more puzzled, asked "Really? wats so fun about it?" the guy answered again, "Oh my, it's fun! You wanna try?" Mike thought for a second, "oh well, nothing to do either..... Michael and Sid hadn't post any new stuffs lately.... might as well give it a try.." then Mike said "Okay, just follow what u're doin?" then Mike go up, the guy stood aside, and Mike began his weird hopping.... "Twenty One, Twenty One..... " Mike shout on...... THEN, the guy pulled the cover aside when Mike was in the air, and covers it up when Mike fell straight into the sewage hole. Then the guy stood back on top of the cover, and continued hopping and jumping on top of the cover. "Twenty Two, Twenty Two, Twenty Two...... "

[-Chin_Chai-]

Sailors and Soldiers Should Be Friends!

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man''s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let''s put this rivalry behind us."

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don''t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, "Thanks, but I''ll wait till after the cops get here!"




Paraplegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"










The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”






Sexy Timepiece

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast





Stupid Grandpa. Don't You Get It?

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. 'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

[-Chin_Chai-]

While the cat's away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."






10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.






THE NEXT TIME YOU BUY CHEWING GUM, MAKE SURE IT'S NOT FROM THAILAND!!!!!!!

> Chewing Gum!
>
> U like to eat chewing gum ? If u like , eat more O.K.
>
> Do you know the reason why the Singapore government does not
> allow her citizens to chewing gum? Here is the story!!
>
> One day a Singaporean tourist went to Thailand. The tourist ordered a
> lobster for his dinner.
> After he finished, he asked the waiter:
>
> Tourist : Waiter, what can you do with this lobster shell?
>
> Waiter : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
>
> Tourist : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce
> some prawn cracker.
>
> Then the Tourist ordered an orange. After he finished, he asked the
> waiter.
> Tourist : What can you do with the orange peel?
> Waiter : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
> Tourist : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce some
> orange jam.
>
> Then the tourist ordered some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on
> the plate and asked the waiter.
> Tourist : What can you do with the chewing gum?
> Waiter : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
> Tourist : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce Condom and
> send it to Thailand.
>
> The tourist asked for the bill and the waiter came with the bill and asked
> the tourist.
> Waiter : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
> Tourist : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
> Waiter : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the
> factory to produce chewing
> gum and send it back to Singapore!!









Have some laughter.
>
>
> There once was a very good old barber in New York. One day a
> florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
> barber
> and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
I am
> doing community service."
> The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when
> the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a
dozen
> roses waiting at his door.
> A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
> after the cut. But the barber replies:
> "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
> I am doing community service."
> The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber
> goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts
> waiting at his door.
> A Malaysian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes
> to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am
sorry. I
> cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
> The Malaysian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next
> morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
> there...
>
> Can you guess?
>
>
>
> faster,......
>
>
> Come on, think like a Malaysian....
>
>
> have you got the answer ...........
>
>
> come on ............. guess
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> .... a dozen Malaysians waiting for a free haircut!

[jmax577]

what do neil armstrong and michael jackson have in common?

neil armstrong used to WALK on the MOON and michael jackson....


































































































used to fuk little kids. hahahahaha

[Jose_R.A.M]

what do neil armstrong and michael jackson have in common?

neil armstrong used to WALK on the MOON and michael jackson....


































































































used to fuk little kids. hahahahaha

i dont get it ?? also theres no evidence he has done that.

[jmax577]

neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson did the moon walk...thats the punchline you expect but the joke is the little kid part....nevermind.

[Jose_R.A.M]

neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson did the moon walk...thats the punchline you expect but the joke is the little kid part....nevermind.

hmm thats what i thought - lol

just a touchy subject. All kiddiefiddlers should rot in jail n be dissed but only once proven not out of speculation and accusation.

[commedecargons]

if they really have so many 'evidence' of Michael molesting kids, he should be in jail now by right. But i do think dat the prosecitors just wanna nail him down for bathing with kids, sleeping with them and stuffs. US lawyers sometimes do suck hard time. As they say, US is run by lawyers.

[Jose_R.A.M]

if they really have so many 'evidence' of Michael molesting kids, he should be in jail now by right. But i do think dat the prosecitors just wanna nail him down for bathing with kids, sleeping with them and stuffs. US lawyers sometimes do suck hard time. As they say, US is run by lawyers.

yup. i hope he's innocent - not cos i am a fan its just that if hes innocent it means that no kids have been molested and who wants that?

lets bring the thread back to topic and on difs intention of cheering up the forum...er ...er

Q: What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.

[timmy]

Jokes were hilarious.......



The Long Way Home

Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

[commedecargons]

John was teasing Mary "You're stupid! hahaha you are very stupid!"

Mom came and talk to John in a serious note "John, you should be ashamed of yourself for teasing ur litle sister. Say sorry to her for calling her stupid!"

John "Mary, i'm sorry you're stupid"

:D

[-Chin_Chai-]

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up
at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've
never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.
What do you think of that !!!"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says,"Let
me tell you a story.
I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never
misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a
hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods
and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of
nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the
bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops
dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone
else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.






This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day
with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother
named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty
storm.",she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I
were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she
was conceived," the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken
Rubber, why are you so curious?!"






Biology Lesson in Class
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the
class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow
taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls
and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to
grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and
they are heavier than the guy's balls"
Teacher FAINTED.






This one really funny. Enjoy reading....
>>
>>TEACHER : Why are you late?
>>BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
>>TEACHER : What sign?
>>BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>>
>>-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
>>BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!
>>
>>-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
>>BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>>TEACHER : No, that's wrong
>>BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
>>BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO"!!
>>TEACHER : What are you talking about?
>>BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
>>BALGOBIN : Here it is!
>>TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>>CLASS : Balgobin!
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we
>> didn't have ten years ago.
>>BALGOBIN : Me!
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
>>BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
>>FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
>>BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
>>BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.
>>
>>-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
>>BALGOBIN : I is...
>>TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
>>BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>>BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,
>> same time."
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
>> Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know
>> why his father didn't punish him?"
>>BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
>>FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
>>BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing,
>> one is green and one is blue with red spots!
>>BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like
>> that at home.
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
>>stopped
>> him, what virtue would I be showing?
>>BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
>> eating?
>>BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
>>same
>> as your brother's. Did you copy his?
>>BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>>
>>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
>>
>>TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
>>people
>> are no longer interested?
>>BALGOBIN : A teacher

[YJT]

A policeman on patrol for speeding cars and boy-racers decided to conceal himself beside a bush at a blindspot that would overlook the traffic thinking that he had done very well for himself..... Several hours had passed and the policeman was becoming flustered not able to clock anyone remotely over the speed limit when at that moment an old honda civic sped past in a blur.. the policeman quickly reacted and started the sirens which got the attention of the driver who stopped quickly.... The policeman walked up to the car and saw at the back of the wheel a smirk looking teen.... to that, the police said 'Boy i've been waiting for you here for the whole morning'.. to which the boy replied 'sorry officer, i came here as fast as I could... :D '

[Jose_R.A.M]

what is a balgobin?

[tedwardo]

i think its jst a name but good jokes guys very funny

[commedecargons]

anymore jokes? kinda boring already.... :( classes gonna start, couldnt mobilenburn all day now~~ :D

[difenbaker]

PUNny sayings:

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory.... but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

:D :D

[tedwardo]

lol those r funny

[commedecargons]

Read this from FHM Malaysia:

Three convicts were on their way to prison in the prison transport vehicle, all three were sentenced to more than 5 years of prison for law violations. Each were allowed to carry something harmless with them for occupying their time. (A new humanitarian act allows this new rule for prisoners).

Soon, they started to chat amongts each other, and John asked Mike "Hey, wat did u bring with ya~?"

Mike answered " i brought along my paint kits, i wanna be the most famous prison wall painter there ever was, i'll paint whenever i'm free." and he continued "So what did u bring John?"

John answered " I brought along a deck of playing cards, with this i could play solitaire, poker, and loads of card games, we could even have some gambling goin on!" John with his perky look, grins...

Then both looked to the back and asked the quiet guy on the back of the bus, dat guy didn't looked tense at all, in fact he looked surprising with a dash of smile over his face as he grace innocently at the scenery outside the window. Disturbed by the loook from that guy's face, Mike and John asked "Hey dude, wat did ya brought? "

That smiling guy turned and showed to them......

puzzled with wat the guy brought, they both took a closer look, and it turned out to be a ..... TAMPOON. feeling funny and awe, they asked that guy, "wtf did u bring that for?!?!"

He answered, "Oh, i saw this and i thought its nice, cos it wrote "With this, you can still go horseback riding, surfing, skating and even rock climbing everyday!"

[Jose_R.A.M]

lol..i like fhm jokes..

did the last issue u got have the top 100 females in them? or are they completely different to uk ones?

they had an article concering stubs, triangles, pencils and dongs.

[difenbaker]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

:D :D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

:D :D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The samurai #1 stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do." The 2nd samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?" Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!"

"Dead is easy," replied the 3rd samurai. "Circumcision ... now that takes skill!"

:D :D

[Jose_R.A.M]

how does a squirrel keep his nuts dry?

he swims on his back!

[xc]

It appears that having a German Pope may lead to a few changes in the church.

[edeab220]

LOL these are hilarious! Makes me feel like doing my homework now since I'm in a good mood :p.

[jtntwozz]

i hate HOMEWORK!!

[xc]

i hate HOMEWORK!!

It is good to have a laugh when you have stress of school work. ;)

[Jose_R.A.M]

school officially finished forever for me today! omg omg!

[tedwardo]

wow lucky ive still got 2 years and about 2 months + sixth form and uni and i got about 5 hours of hw to do, by tomorrow!

[commedecargons]

school officially finished forever for me today! omg omg!

now thats a good joke. How bout college my friend? and UNI? :D

Anyway, i still have 3 months to go to start living on my own! (finishing my UNI) :eek:

[Jose_R.A.M]

now thats a good joke. How bout college my friend? and UNI? :D

Anyway, i still have 3 months to go to start living on my own! (finishing my UNI) :eek:

6th form is college. its generally stricter but more efficient than colleges here. Our 6th form beats all the other colleges around, accademically and non accademically.

anyway, "school" is compulsory schooling where the teachers nag you for work and such. Uni is different, cos over here u survive if u have the will to.

[difenbaker]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead.

*

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

*

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

*

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

*

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

*

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

*

First guy says,
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks,
"You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

*

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.


:D :D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/4072/17vj.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/6485/21xx.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9914/32lk.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/1029/49ac.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/7029/58zl.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[difenbaker]

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9587/64ke1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/6412/79ey.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9361/81tb.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/7092/99sx1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/8291/103wi.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[difenbaker]

http://img462.imageshack.us/img462/8866/showletter65de.jpg

cheers!

[carcomptoy]

LOL those're cool!:p

[zeem35]

lol hahaha cool dude keep it up

[difenbaker]

A race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the hells the matter?," he yelled, "didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?"

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," replied the angry woman,"in your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.'Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing", she replied,"but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

:D

[difenbaker]

A young guy from Texas moved to California and went to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The boy replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the boy so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow," he told the boy," Ill come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked the boy, "How many sales did you make today?"

The boy replied, "One."

The boss yelled, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The boy said, "$101,237.64."

The boss gasped, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The boy replied,"Well,first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

"No," the boy replied," he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."


:D :D

[Jose_R.A.M]

lol..haven't checked this out in a while, great job dif.

Some of the pictures, if you havent seen them before guys, really need the caption to experience its full effect. lol

[difenbaker]

a very lucky cat!
http://img9.picsplace.to/img9/6/04724316.jpg

great camouflage!
http://img9.picsplace.to/img9/6/02043384.jpg

nice sofa design
http://img9.picsplace.to/img9/6/64250534.jpg


cheers!

[difenbaker]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what he did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass, the woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass, the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says,"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs, what kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies,"I am sorry to have disturbed you,sir.But I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says."Oh,I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says,"Pepper." !!

:D

[difenbaker]

A young man met a beautiful girl, and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment, 'Rent for the Apartment'.

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following note:
'Dear Madam, Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that. (1) It had never been occupied. (2) That there was plenty of heat. (3) That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note :
' Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.' !!!!


:D :D

[difenbaker]

A woman went to her boyfriend's house for dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she was very nervous.

They all sat down and began eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole,the gas pains were almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the cute little poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!"

The woman thought, "this is great." and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she began to feel the pain again, this time, she didn't even hesitate, she let out a much louder and longer fart.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Rover!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes."

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Rover, get away from her before she ****s on ya!"

LOL :D


cheers!

[difenbaker]

http://img471.imageshack.us/img471/3167/343963803kv.jpg

:D

[difenbaker]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country we don't talk about our $ex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta $ex?

I'ma justa tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'!"


:D :D :D

[difenbaker]

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

:D

[difenbaker]

Two guys in a jungle come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

The second guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion" And the first guy says: "No, but all I have to do is outrun you"!

:D

[difenbaker]

Some women were gathered and the subject of conversation turned to sex and then birth control.

The first woman said, "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman said, "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman said, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the other two women asked.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven , and my husband is five foot two, we make love standing up, with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

:D :D

[stephanie]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what he did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass, the woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass, the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says,"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs, what kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies,"I am sorry to have disturbed you,sir.But I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says."Oh,I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says,"Pepper." !!

:D


hahahaha!! had to laugh on this one, it's so funny!:D

[stephanie]

You fellows should see this video, it's hilarious! :D

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

[Jose_R.A.M]

haha! great jokes dif!

@ stephanie, lol, great link! Reminds me of the chinese backstreet boys, lol theyre classic - the tiny guy of the two (well there's three but he's like in the background) he's really funny.

[difenbaker]

http://img95.imageshack.us/img95/1584/showletter9jz8mx.jpg


hehehe... either the owner is very eccentric or the architect had gone crazy! :D

[Jose_R.A.M]

Don't they have like local councils to prevent things like this from being built? I mean come on, look at the houses behind it.

I thought it was a hurricane thing, but someone actually made their house like that.

Is it real? Like real life livable sized house?

[carcomptoy]

Couldn't they have picked a better roof color??:confused:

[Jose_R.A.M]

Well I think roof colour was the last thing I would think of if I built some nearly upsidedown house

[difenbaker]

ORIGAMI by the Matrix! hehehe... :D

http://img5.picsplace.to/img5/18/mo5ln.gif

cheers!

[carcomptoy]

Well I think roof colour was the last thing I would think of if I built some nearly upsidedown houselol well I know but at least make it look good:rolleyes:

[difenbaker]

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/7690/14181wi.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/8140/11250726mg.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/8499/liquidpanty8he.jpg

[difenbaker]

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/7421/bathroomsigns4bm.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/6966/minitombstone6mx.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/21/image017177wa.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/7687/handjobsign9il.jpg

[difenbaker]

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/2444/sign0017re.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/8763/marriagelicense7fw.jpg

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/8997/minigalileodogfound8qg.jpg


:D

cheers!

[Jose_R.A.M]

I love literally stupid signs! ...lol..do not touch the edges of these signs!:D

Tastes like chicken? hilarious!:D

[difenbaker]

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/4343/362nc4ci.jpg

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/2345/sign68jf.jpg

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/9277/sign73uz.jpg

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/4381/sign109uh.jpg

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/5264/sign122xl.jpg

[difenbaker]

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/7681/sign152jn.jpg

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/5467/sign181ed.jpg

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/2646/sign018ph5yn.jpg

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/9788/sign193tz.jpg

[difenbaker]

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/5254/sign239as.jpg

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/3051/sign249pl.jpg

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/325/sign0339rx.jpg

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/4951/sign0358ua.jpg



cheers!

[difenbaker]

This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom asks, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

:D

[difenbaker]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

:D

[difenbaker]

http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/firstdog.jpg

:D

[difenbaker]

random robin williams quotes


"God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again.""

"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”."

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out."

"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."


:D :D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

:D :D :D

[iver]

the title was right..laughter is the best medicine" i added: of all our pains..

if we do got prob, then just laugh on it..don't take seriously bout prob...be optimistic and never give up..

great thread here..

[difenbaker]

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla answered, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence."

She answered, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher said, "Now Darla, spell 'stupid'."

Darla answered, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence."

Darla answered, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'."

Buckwheat stood and answered, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher said, "Very good Buckwheat, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat thought for a few seconds, then shouted out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla said my dictate good."

:D :D

[difenbaker]

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

:D

[difenbaker]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME!"

:D :D

[difenbaker]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said," Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

:D :D

[difenbaker]

These are genuine excerpts from complaints by British Council Flat tenants....

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

:D :D

[difenbaker]

A blonde,brunette, and a redhead are about to be executed.

The redhead goes 1st, they ask if she has anything to say, she doesn't.

She gets ready.

The men shout "READY, AIM," without missing a beat the redhead screams "TORNADO".

The men duck and the redhead escapes.

It was now the brunette's turn.

They ask her if she has anything to say, she also doesn't.

She gets ready.

The men shout "READY, AIM," the brunette screams "EARTHQUAKE".

The men get under cover and the brunette escapes.

The blonde actually caught on to the redhead and brunette were doing.

So she gets ready.

The men shout "READY, AIM," the blonde quickly shouts "FIRE"

:D

[difenbaker]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

:D

[difenbaker]

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.

His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

"This week... nothing!"

:D :D

[difenbaker]

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/853/funconstructionmessage0mu.jpg

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/2438/prettycoolcups3kb.jpg

http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/6029/shavinthegrass2sd.jpg

:D :D

[difenbaker]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.


Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.


:D :D

.

[difenbaker]

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

:D

[difenbaker]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck".

:D

[difenbaker]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

...


First Testimony: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Second Testimony: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Third Testimony: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

Fourth Testimony: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth Testimony: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "See mom, it's just farts!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


:D :D

.

[difenbaker]

imagine life without

computer engineers...
http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/8543/11lh.png


communication engineers...
http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/7260/20ey.png


electronic engineers...
http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/5052/48hh.png

[difenbaker]

mechanical engineers...
http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/9117/57ho.png


aeronautical engineers...
http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/7665/67cj.png

civil engineers...
http://img393.imageshack.us/img393/4978/31bi.png

[Avenida]

:D An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"



:D enjoyed this one!

[s02264849]

The Confessional

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man aid, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[difenbaker]

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

:D

[difenbaker]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer..... In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

:D

[difenbaker]

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife.

''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on

me? I've never cheated on you.''

He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''

The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide

for another month?''

The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?'

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''

''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the amount of money we had at the time...

I kinda...''

''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''

She nodded. ''One more.''

The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were

short by 17 votes...?''

:D

[difenbaker]

Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.


10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me ."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

1. [Raise head slowly and say], "...in Jesus name, Amen."

:D :D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of thesecretary at the next desk. And she has five children. ‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we produce here— not for what we produce at home in our own time.’

:D

[difenbaker]

Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.

:D

[difenbaker]

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.’ The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’ No ticket.

:D

[difenbaker]

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘
The lift will be down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift,’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were invented in the States.
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘

:D

[difenbaker]

The sign on the door of a lawyer’'s chamber reads:

‘Where there is a will,there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am.’

:D

[difenbaker]

A doctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat.

“Well, sir, what’s the matter?” he asked cheerily.

“That, sir,” growled the patient, “is for you to find out.”
“
I see,“ said the doctor thought-fully. “

Well, if you’ll excuse me for an hour or so I’ll go along and fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.”

:D

cheers!

[666joe]

Jesus and Satan are arguing about who is better at using a computer. Neither will admit inferiority so god steps in and sets a 2 hour test aimed at settling matter once and for all. The two behemoths take their places and begin typing. The create spreadsheets, write reports, collate power point presentations, send e-mails and download videos.

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3804/godel4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

They seem to be neck and neck then ten minutes before the end, lightning flashes across the sky, thunder rolls and the electictricity goes off. When it comes back on, Satan finds all of his documents are lost and starts sobbing. Jesus on the other hand, calmly prints out all his files - Satan become irate.

!CHEAT, he cheated" accuses the red faced one - "no he didn’t" shrugs God.

Jesus saves.

[666joe]

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/7861/hulkjh3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Who needs a witty comment ??

[666joe]

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/1748/beerki6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[666joe]

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/4665/funny1vd3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/3638/funny2wl4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/4160/funny3fk9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[666joe]

.....

[hamsterwheel]

haha that Beer add is hilarious!

[666joe]

http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/9185/b00ie1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/4263/baconrk7.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This one cracked me up....simple things and all that....

[tonyjml]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

:D

[stephanie]

This continues to be one of my favorite threads here at MB. Keep it up guys!

[666joe]

http://img524.imageshack.us/img524/4734/milkhi5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Not sure if this been posted before - but worth a re-visit
http://img485.imageshack.us/img485/3995/donutsxd4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[carcomptoy]

hahaha that last one's especially poignant cause the other day we did see some cops just relaxing on duty with Dunkin Donuts! :p

[666joe]

Lol it is proabably true of UK cops but they seem to prefer burgerking (discount cards).

Have you seen Super Troopers ? reminded me of that.....and I'll never forget the weed scene....

[carcomptoy]

UK cops get Burger King discounts :confused:

[666joe]

Well in the 2 BKs I worked in years ago yes and far as I know they still are....probably why we have so many tubby cops !

[666joe]

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6520/tempts0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Happy damn friday !

[JoN]

That surely cant be real!!! :P

[Derek the Bull]

Awesome :D

[666joe]

That surely cant be real!!! :P

Want to comment but can't due to younger readers....:tongue8:

[666joe]

Happy damn friday....

http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/5673/segwayih8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/1985/jangoev3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/7249/bullfn3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[anil giri]

Read this true story... and let everybody you know in and around Delhi,
especially Gurgaon know this.......

My friend lives in Delhi ... One day he went to Gurgaon to visit his
uncle for some days. One evening he and some other of my college
friends went to Priya's for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it
was very late. He reached Gurgaon around midnight......


He had to walk about a mile from where his friend dropped him.... As he
was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was
so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy
selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like
that..... It got the shivers on him when he noticed that his old guy is
unusually pale and staring at him...
The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you
company". Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of
his life ........

My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collection.. he noticed that all the books were related to supernatural
activities...but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked
the old man "how much is it?"....

The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's
only for Rs 250. "

My friend was shocked and said "but...but...it's expensive"

This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly
checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said "This is all
I hav e." The old guy replied "It's OK son ..you can have the book
for that price"

As ! my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called
back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book
to it's last page... remember these words or you would regret
it...!!!!!"

My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he
quickly asked his Uncle whether there was any new old book seller
nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that
there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon nights but
heard that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just
asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words on
his mind. At night, 2 o'clock , as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew
which chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had
blown the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said!
But we humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped
to the last page & fainted...

What he saw at the last page is stated below:
Don't look further down if you have a weak heart I warn you

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..


..

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Original price:-- Rs. 20/-
Promotion price:-- Rs. 10/-

he he he he he he

[anil giri]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."


The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.








The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

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.
.
.
.


He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ".

[666joe]

http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/6077/temp1jk1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/7125/temp2ll3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/8092/temp3nt4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[difenbaker]

"paris in jail: the music video"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k66epna2Sss

:D :D :D

cheers!

[666joe]

http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/8652/rollerac5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[difenbaker]

lol that face is priceless!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bK63uSTTNs

[666joe]

Cool ! Takeshi castle kind of thing....

Wish the UK had seomthing like that or Takeshi - I'd be first in the queue...

Cheers Dif.

[Jose_R.A.M]

Man, Japanese gameshows are so frikkin hilarious.

I love that the genre hasn't been tainted by Health and Safety.

I mean, could you ever see something like this in the UK? :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzsUovMXxLo

[666joe]

BHack in the Krypton factor days maybe just maybe but now we're health and safety'd up to the max in the UK constentants would be assisted just spinning the wheel of fortune.

Good link mate...

[oneclick]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bK63uSTTNs

lol... that's so funny!!

tnx-1clk

[666joe]

Man, Japanese gameshows are so frikkin hilarious.

I love that the genre hasn't been tainted by Health and Safety.

I mean, could you ever see something like this in the UK? :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzsUovMXxLo

Couldn't see this link before !!! man ! only on Blackadder....

[oneclick]

http://www.uclick.com/feature/07/06/21/wpnan070621.gif

lol :D

[666joe]

http://www.uclick.com/feature/07/06/21/wpnan070621.gif

lol :D

Sadly true.....hallowed be thy Jobs.....

Nice one !

[666joe]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here :- http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/574/710im0.jpg

[666joe]

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/1751/burn1iv8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/8273/burn2nz2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/7556/burn3vi4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[oneclick]

iPhone magic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcB8CKa73B0&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Ffakesteve%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F

lol :D

[carcomptoy]

http://www.uclick.com/feature/07/06/21/wpnan070621.gif

lol :D
SO TRUE!!!A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here :- http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/574/710im0.jpg
LMAO!

The iPhone magic is pretty impressive, I must say!

[difenbaker]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh..... the dog's leash goes slack."

:D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

:D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

Letters To The Landlord

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

:D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

:D :D

cheers!

[JoN]

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "boy was my wife mad at me last night!"

"She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

The other Buddy says "when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" Says the other.

"It's easy! I turn off the light!"

:D :D

cheers!

edit: punctuation. :p

sorry, i'm just bored. :D

p.s. Funny :)

[stephanie]

I like the way she dances, hihihihi :D
http://maniacworld.com/Groovy-Dancing-Girl.html

[666joe]

http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/3775/coughzf3.gif (http://imageshack.us)

Long time no Hoff....

[666joe]

http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/1773/f1lz6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[oneclick]

A laptop that's jealous of the N95.

http://www.jealouscomputers.com/AAS/

lol :D

[carcomptoy]

A laptop that's jealous of the N95.

http://www.jealouscomputers.com/AAS/

lol :D
hahahahahaha that's hilarious!!!

[difenbaker]

Ever wonder how your mouse really works?

check this out:
http://www.1-click.jp/

lol :D :D

cheers!

[666joe]

Ever wonder how your mouse really works?

check this out:
http://www.1-click.jp/

lol :D :D

cheers!

Animation glitches aside thats pretty cool !

[carcomptoy]

It's funny but almost minorly annoying haha...at first I was like what in the word is going on??

[666joe]

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/5451/sun1su1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/700/sun2af9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/5141/sun3ox0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/9979/sun4pu1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[carcomptoy]

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/5451/sun1su1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
I don't know how I feel about this :eek:

[666joe]

I don't know how I feel about this :eek:

Ill ? rememeber the first time I saw something like this and it was Penn and Teller doing the lemon seed trick then blowing a baloon up through his eye...

[carcomptoy]

At least the picture's just PhotoShopped...right??

[im92109210]

I believe it is, his finger would be too long if true + Left eye with the right nose hole? :p weird :p The entry point into the nose is fairly fat, thus meaning a bent finger clearly photoshop ;)

[im92109210]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

-----------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map!"

[difenbaker]

The last 2 was hilarious! :D

more on the jealous computers epidemic, hehehe.... :D
http://www.jealouscomputers.com/footage.php?lang=uk_en


cheers!

[waytaminit]

does SIZE matter?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2r1Tsh24KY

:D :D :D

[666joe]

http://img364.imageshack.us/img364/3504/z1aa4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img360.imageshack.us/img360/6493/z2zj1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

If it wasn;t a skoda badge on the wheel I'd say the two were linked.

[Jose_R.A.M]

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/dying-prohibited.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/ho-entrance.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/asian-rear.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/stranglers-invitation.jpg

[Jose_R.A.M]

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/get-a-breakage.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/women-kingdom.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/dont-touch-yourself.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/intercourse-book.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/strange-taste-horsebeans.jpg

[Jose_R.A.M]

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/testes-heart-tinkle.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/turd-baby.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/dog-sauce.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/smonking-room.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/cooking-my-dog.jpg

[Jose_R.A.M]

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/take-care-fall.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/carefully-slip-and-fall.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/braised-dork.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/lettuce-in-pain.jpg
http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/suspicious-supermarket.jpg

[666joe]

Turd Baby ? what on earth do they sell !

Nice ones mate !!!

[ishaanranderia]

:laughing6::laughing6:

[666joe]

Lol this cracked me up and its a real photo !!

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/5914/windowsiphonedj4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://uk.gizmodo.com/2007/08/02/oops_iphone_display_needs_to_r.html

Text - Hey PC fanboys, now you can use this shot of a Windows XP display at an AT&T store when those smug Mac worshipers tell you about how such-and-such Zune commercial was made on a Mac, and how "all media types and artists" use Macs. Windows runs the world, baby.

[difenbaker]

"piano teacher's intercourse book"

"cooking my dog"

"Braised Dork with bamboo shoots"

"very suspicious supermarket"

"lettuce in pain"

:laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing4:

LOL... :D

cheers!

[carcomptoy]

Lol this cracked me up and its a real photo !!

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/5914/windowsiphonedj4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://uk.gizmodo.com/2007/08/02/oops_iphone_display_needs_to_r.html

Text - Hey PC fanboys, now you can use this shot of a Windows XP display at an AT&T store when those smug Mac worshipers tell you about how such-and-such Zune commercial was made on a Mac, and how "all media types and artists" use Macs. Windows runs the world, baby.
That's hilarious!!

It's curious how poetic literal English-Chinese translations are...sometimes it's philosophical, sometimes it's HILARIOUS like there.

[waytaminit]

never ending boobs?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_5LC4nENrk

:D :D

[666joe]

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/782/mb1gf1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/8575/mb3zf4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/3937/mb2zt8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[carcomptoy]

LMFAO OMG I don't whether to be grossed out or turned on...:confused:

[Jose_R.A.M]

bwuahaha, the pussy cat on it!

I was more puzzled where the third boob came from rather than its never ending nature (like, you need 3 to platt, no? ) I wouldn't have minded the never ending boobs, but they didn't have nipples so they were more like limbs....hmm...I thought about this too much.

Break Dancer + Toddler = A + E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ClsfcFFcE

It's an old clip, so may have been posted already.

[carcomptoy]

bwuahaha, the pussy cat on it!

I was more puzzled where the third boob came from rather than its never ending nature (like, you need 3 to platt, no? ) I wouldn't have minded the never ending boobs, but they didn't have nipples so they were more like limbs....hmm...I thought about this too much.

Break Dancer + Toddler = A + E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ClsfcFFcE

It's an old clip, so may have been posted already.
OMG where the hell was the mom before the kid ran onto the dance floor???

[666joe]

This was on a van in Guildford UK - classic....

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/8693/busterki7.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[wils_place]

This joke would be perfect if the one who took the parachute was Bush, makes more sense :p



A boy scout, Bill Gates, George Bush and the Pope were on a flight when the pilot announced that the plane was going to crash and that there was only four parachutes and that he was taking one. He then jumped.

Bill Gates said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, people need me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

George Bush said, "I'm the President of the United States, my country is depending on me." So he took a parachute and he jumped.

The Pope looked at the boy scout and said, "Son, I've lived a long time, I know that I will be with God, you take the last parachute."

The boy scout replied, "We can both jump, Bill Gates took my knapsack."


*****

[difenbaker]

Making The Ferry

This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

..............

Microsoft Marriages

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

...............

Lost Golf Ball

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"

:D

cheers!

[difenbaker]

Get A Hat At Church

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

...............

I Have Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

................

Trying To Board A Bus

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.

With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

:D

cheers!

[yve2k7]

Hello, there - I'm new to these forums. Thought I'd begin with a joke:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, We just love the chocolate around them."

[666joe]

Hello, there - I'm new to these forums. Thought I'd begin with a joke:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, We just love the chocolate around them."

Lol - my gran used to do that.....luckily I was told before I tucked in.

Welcome to MB

[problematic]

the ZunePhone AD:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRKIDdIaFyE

:D :D :D

[666joe]

the ZunePhone AD:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRKIDdIaFyE

:D :D :D

Cool find !!!!

[666joe]

http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/2964/mb1sx1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[666joe]

http://img181.imageshack.us/img181/8427/mb2uk0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Jose_R.A.M]

lol and ew at that first pic.
________________
Can you handle this job's daily requirements?

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q186/Jose_R-A-M/pictures_office_timetable8021.jpg

[difenbaker]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!


Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


$incerely Your$,
Marian $hih




The next day, the employee received a nice reply like this :


Dear Marian

I kNOw what you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

Yours truly,
Manager



:icon_biggrin::icon_biggrin::icon_biggrin:

[oneclick]

hahaha... nice reply by the manager! :D


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LOL :D

[666joe]

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[666joe]

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[666joe]

This is a true story - which makes it even funnier...

Caught via hoover DNA...
An Oz chap who broke into a neighbour's house and "played sex games in the bathroom with a bottle of toilet detergent and a vacuum cleaner" was fingered two years after the outrage by the DNA he left on a pair of rubber gloves, Reuters reports.

Jamie Lacey, 27, was "high on drugs" when he entered the Brisbane house in September 2004. Accordingly, he decided not to make off with the silver but rather scatter porn mags around the bathroom and construct "a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove".

He was eventually cuffed in December 2006 on the basis of the DNA evidence, and duly hauled before the beak. The court heard a vacuum cleaner was also discovered in the bathroom, although the defence maintained there was no proof Lacey had indulged in intercourse with the device.

Judge Tony Rafter, however, rejected this, declaring: "I'm sure that your client didn't Hoover the carpets."

[ishaanranderia]

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Thirsty Bear

[666joe]

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[666joe]

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[waytaminit]

nf7sxd_krBk

:D :D

[spinalcord]

i always agree that laughter is a good medicine to be happy and fit. If we loss our smile we loss our happiness simultaneously. Inspite of that i never smile or lough because i don't like to smile. sometime my sister become very angry on me because she always lough and lough.